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A career coaching article:
How to Manage Your
Boundaries to
Avoid Career Breakdown
by Cathy Goodwin,
Ph.D.
“Norm’s” family could
be candidates for the Montel Williams show. His mom got picked
up for shoplifting and his dad disappeared a long time ago.
During a friendly coffee break at his company, everyone’s talking about
visiting family for Thanksgiving. And all the families sound like 21st
century versions of Ozzie and Harriet. Norm remains silent. Someone
asks Norm, “Where are your parents?”
“Helen” feels isolated. She
just joined a new firm as an area manager. On her second day,
her peer “Irene” invites her to lunch. A few days later, Irene suggests
a drink after work...then a girl’s day out at the mall. Being new to
the town as well as the company, Helen accepts.
But as the weeks go by, Helen realizes she wants to make new friends.
She’s joined a chorus and volunteered at a soup kitchen. So she
declines Irene’s next two invitations. And Irene retaliates. She begins
setting up roadblocks for Helen in the workplace.
George’s boss calls him at
10 PM, weekends and holidays, interrupting family events. George
is expected to be on call 24/7, although his job description sounds
like an ordinary managerial position. His counterparts in other
departments have lives outside their workplace, with no interference
from management.
George’s wife says, “Start saying no.” His best friend says, “Start
looking for a new job.”
Boundary
Shifts
These stories have a common element. Somehow boundaries between work
and personal life became too permeable for comfort.
Recently I came across an interesting book, Boundary
Issues,
by
Jane Adams, Ph.D. While I don’t support every element of this book,
it’s worth reading simply because Adams raises important questions.
Adams describes experiences of people like “Jane” and “George,” but she
doesn’t offer advice and she doesn’t describe situations like “Norm’s.”
As a career consultant, here’s what I would suggest.
(1) Practice baggage
handling.
Many career clients come with family baggage. I recommend preparing a
brief sound bite to cover your most vulnerable topics. Norm could
say, “My parents are separated. They’re in Illinois and Texas.” If
asked, “Do you see them?” Norm can say, “We’re trying to get our
schedules to mesh.”
If he’s lucky, Norm can stop there. Otherwise he can deflect the
conversation to something harmless: “My dad’s a big Giants fan.”
What you don’t want is a dead silence.
When I lived in a small town, newcomer “Harriet” once joined a group
for coffee. Eager to get to know her, everyone asked, “Are you married?”
“Divorced.”
Just about everyone present was divorced, so this was no big deal. But
nearly everyone enjoyed visits from grown children, so someone asked,
“Any kids?”
“I had a daughter. She died,” Harriet said.
Everyone nodded politely, stunned. Later Harriet called me. She was
furious. “No one expressed sympathy,” she said. “I was so open about my
daughter and they blew me off.”
I tried to explain, “Nobody knew what to say.” Harriet never returned,
which was sad, because people liked her.
Harriet needs to come up with a brief statement and she needs to be
prepared for the reactions of others. She might work with a counselor
to deal with her feelings and expectations.
In contrast, “Lance’s” son was serving time in a state prison. But
Lance had a strategy. He participated proactively in conversations so
few people noticed he wasn’t sharing personal stories. He deflected
questions to, “My son is in Arizona and I go up to visit periodically.”
And he changed the subject.
(2) Plan for downtime.
Helen fell into a common trap. With time available, she had trouble
saying no.
When you’re new to a place or a career, you’ll need time to make
friends and get involved in groups. So you’ll have unexpected holes in
your schedule.
In my experience, the first people you meet are not likely to be your
friends. I’d be wary of anyone who seemed too eager.
I also advise clients to socialize slowly. Every company’s culture will
be different. You may be expected to “do lunch” with certain
colleagues. Drinks after work may be part of the office ritual...or a
sign that you’re spending time with the “wrong” crowd.
So I encourage clients to create plans for leisure. Join a gym – and
sign up for a yoga class, too. I always advise against long-term
commitments when you’re new to a town, but you can sign up for all
sorts of short-term activities: concerts, special events, races,
one-day seminars, six-week classes.
Most people – especially those who become true friends -- will respect
demands on your time, especially if you’ve signed up and paid.
(3) Analyze demands from
“greedy” employers.
Some companies and some careers come with overload. Recently I talked
to someone who had to be “on call” for a computer center a certain
number of days each month. In those circumstances, she could be called
at home – even at 3 AM.
And some bosses demand a great deal but give back generously in the
form of promotions, raises and recommendations. Others just
demand a great deal.
Sometimes working long hours for a demanding boss (or company) will add
a gold star to your resume, increasing your marketability. Other times
you get nothing but sleep loss.
George has to explore the company’s culture and history. Does his boss
have a history of losing key players because they can’t stand the
hours? Or do former subordinates rise to high positions in the company
(or with the competition)?
Some bosses simply don’t realize what they’re doing or they’re testing
limits. Saying “no” makes sense.
But at other times, saying “no” can be a career-ending move. You have
to be prepared to find another job.
Bottom
Line: When clients
feel caught up in a career crisis, often they need to explore
boundaries. How much do you reveal about yourself and your family? How
can you deal with boundary violations?
There’s no single or simple answer. But everyone can become more aware
of these issues and create a strategy to deal with them, ahead of
time, before they create a career breakdown.
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